


The Elaborate and Very Inept Wooing of One Peter Parker

by Remy_Writes5



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Anal Sex, Banter, Blow Jobs, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Coffee Shops, Deadpool Thought Boxes, Fluff, Getting Together, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, M/M, Meta, Neighbors, Past Nathan Summers/Wade Wilson, Pining, Sharing a Bed, Some Light Stalking, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Tropes, University, but not really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-22
Updated: 2019-12-22
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:42:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21893818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Remy_Writes5/pseuds/Remy_Writes5
Summary: Wade finished the latte with a flourish and presented it to Peter. “And now we fall in love,” Wade said, bouncing eagerly on the balls of his feet.“Oh, is that so?” Peter asked with a wry smile. “It would have to be one hell of a cup of coffee.”“It’s not working,” Wade whispered to himself. “I told you this was stupid. Coffeeshop AUs are so overdone.”
Relationships: Peter Parker/Wade Wilson
Comments: 12
Kudos: 334





	The Elaborate and Very Inept Wooing of One Peter Parker

**Author's Note:**

> This was part of a giveaway I did on Tumblr. Wolfishlupine asked for something meta with Wade trying to win over Peter with a bunch of fan fiction tropes. As always, thanks for reading!

Peter really, really wished he’d had time to go get coffee before his 8a.m. class. His eyes felt heavy as he got out his bio-chem book and his notebook. He had to dig around for a bit at the bottom of his bag to find a pen. The moment he did he was forced to sit and wait for the class to start and that in and of itself felt like torture.

He shoved his glasses up to his forehead and rubbed at his eyes. He had been out late patrolling the night before as Spider-man and had barely gotten four hours of sleep. It was going to be an extremely long day.

The day only got longer when Peter put his glasses back and noticed a flash of red in his periphery. His eyes got wide behind his glasses when Wade Wilson of all people sat down in the seat next to him. He was wearing the Deadpool mask with a black hoodie with Pikachu on it and black sweatpants. Despite his efforts to blend in, Deadpool stuck out horribly.

“Wade, what the hell?” Peter asked, feeling extremely tired. He rubbed his temples and wished he’d gotten even an hour of more sleep or perhaps a bucket of caffeine.

“Hi Petey!” Wade said, grinning at him. “Fancy seeing you here!”

Peter rolled his eyes. “What are you doing here?”

“I’m in this class now,” Wade said, pulling out a My Little Pony folder with the syllabus in it. “I love…” Wade brought the syllabus up so he could read it better. “Bio-chem. All that biology. All that chemistry.”

Peter snorted. “No, seriously, what are you doing here?”

“Seriously,” Wade said, pulling out a pen from his front pocket. “I’m in this class.”

“Suddenly had an urge to further your education?” Peter asked, raising an eyebrow skeptically at Wade.

“Yup,” Wade said, turning back towards the front and writing Wade W. Wilson on the top of his syllabus.

Peter shook his head. He really wasn’t awake enough to deal with this. The professor walked into the front of the room and took attendance. Peter was shocked when he actually called Wade’s name. Peter turned to look at Wade but Wade was absolutely not meeting his gaze, staring attentively towards the front.

The professor began the lecture and Peter tried his best to stay awake, he really did. It wasn’t his fault if his eyelids kept drooping of their own accord. One minute he was reading a slide off the Professor’s powerpoint, diligently taking notes, and the next his eyes snapped open to everyone gathering up their things to leave.

It belatedly took him a moment to realize he was resting on Wade’s shoulder. Peter sat up straight and wiped the drool from the corner of his mouth. “Sorry,” he said, his cheeks coloring with embarrassment. “You should have woken me up.”

“I was going to,” Wade said, cocking his head to the side. “But you looked so cute.”

Peter scoffed and got his stuff together. “You’re ridiculous,” he said, pausing to yawn and stretch his arms over his head. The movement made his t-shirt ride up and he noticed Wade staring at the bit of skin revealed. “What?”

“Nothing,” Wade said, resting his cheek in his hand and sighing wistfully. “Just thinking about how much better that t-shirt would look on my bedroom floor.”

Peter blushed. Wade saying stuff like that was hardly new but it always got Peter flustered no matter how much time he spent around Wade. After all, Wade Wilson was the human equivalent to a thirst tweet. “Shut up,” he said, punching Wade lightly in the arm.

“Ow! Ow!” Wade said, rubbing his arm.

“Did I hurt you?” Peter asked in concern, reaching out and touching Wade lightly. Even though he normally kept his super-strength in check, sometimes he still overdid it despite his best intentions.

Wade laughed. “Nah baby boy, you didn’t hurt me. I was just messing with ya.”

Peter pressed his lips together chidingly. “You’re an asshole.”

“Maybe one day I can be _your_ asshole,” Wade shot back.

“I’ve already got one, thanks.” Peter slung his bag over his shoulder and smiled at Wade. “Normally I’d be a lot nicer but I didn’t get my coffee this morning.”

“Where do you normally go?”

“There’s a little café on the edge of campus,” Peter informed Wade. If Wade was going to be going to the school – or whatever the hell it was he was doing - he might as well know about it. “They’ve got mocha lattes to die for.”

“I’ll keep it in mind.”

Peter nodded at Wade once. “I’ll see you around, DP.”

“Not if I see you first!” Wade called after him before laughing at his own joke.

***

(What the fuck was that?)

{We’re forcing a University AU? This is just pathetic!}

(Spidey was adorable though! And he slept on us and everything. Maybe he trusts us!)

{Yeah right. He was probably just exhausted from patrolling the city. He would have slept on a pile of garbage if it had been close by.}

_Close enough_ , Wade thought bitterly.

{Oh here we go with the self-loathing bullshit.}

(I thought we got all that out in our movies?)

{Nope that’s like part of our identity. Wolverine has the anger issues. Cable has the martyr complex. We have the self-loathing}

_For the love of God please shut up or I will kill us._

{Wouldn’t be the first time}

***

The next morning Peter got in line for coffee, taking a deep breath through his nose and appreciating the smell currently invading his nostrils. It was heavenly and Peter couldn’t wait to drink his mocha. It had been another long night of being Spider-man and he probably could have drunk about five coffees.

Peter vaguely noticed that the guy behind the counter was new, a lot taller and more muscular than the normal guy. He was fishing around in his pocket for his money when the barista turned around and Peter came face to face with the Deadpool mask once again. “Wade,” he groaned, stepping forward. “What are you doing here?”

“I work here!” Wade said, his grin stretching the mask. “Why Petey, aren’t you happy to see me?”

Peter glanced around and wondered if his fellow classmates would wonder why he was associating so casually with the Merc. “Wade, explain quickly.”

“Just wanted to try my hand at making coffee,” Wade said with a shrug. “Mocha latte, right? It’s on the house.”

Peter stood there, slack-jawed and still holding the twenty dollar bill he’d found crumpled in his pocket. “Wade –“

Wade hummed what sounded a lot like Jingle Bells and Peter couldn’t help giggling quietly to himself because it was early September. Despite how aggravating Peter usually found Wade, sometimes he couldn’t help but be amused by him. They had a similar sense of humor and Peter was probably one of the few people that appreciated Wade’s references.

Wade finished the latte with a flourish and presented it to Peter. “And now we fall in love,” Wade said, bouncing eagerly on the balls of his feet.

“Oh, is that so?” Peter asked with a wry smile. “It would have to be one hell of a cup of coffee.”

“It’s not working,” Wade whispered to himself. “I told you this was stupid. Coffeeshop AUs are so overdone.”

Peter watched Wade argue with himself for a moment and shook his head. “Wade, whatever you’re doing, stop it.”

“I can’t baby boy,” Wade said, leaning forward on the counter. “Author wants us to be endgame, and not like the movie with the bullshit time travel. Kind of fucked up when you think about it. Do we even have any agency here?”

Peter snorted. “I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about but considering it’s you, let’s just say that yes it is fucked up.”

Wade sighed. “We’re going to have to do a lot more of these, aren’t we?”

Peter took a sip of his coffee and smiled. “Not bad, Wade, if you ever decide to give up the whole mercenary thing, you’d make a decent barista.”

“You in love with me yet, baby boy?”

Peter bit his bottom lip nervously. “The coffee wasn’t _that_ good,” he teased, taking another sip. “But thanks for making it. Will I see you in bio-chem tomorrow?”

“Sure,” Wade said, dropping his head back and shaking his fist at the ceiling as if cursing God.

***

{Christ, we’re like one step away from stalking him.}

(It’s not like we’re above it.)

{We’re not going to get anywhere with that.}

(We won’t know until we try!)

_I’m going to ask Weapon X for a new brain. One that’s less crowded._

(You’d miss us!)

***

Peter was carrying his groceries to his third floor walkup, hoping and praying that the bags wouldn’t break before he could get there. The last thing he needed was to be chasing after cans of soup as they rolled their way down to the first floor. Of course he could always grab it in with his web-shooter but the hallway of his apartment building was surprisingly popular and Peter couldn’t take the chance that he might be spotted doing something Spider-man-y.

He was nearly to his apartment when the door right next to his opened. Peter turned and blinked a few times. “Oh my god,” he said, staring at Wade Wilson. “Seriously Wade, what the fuck?”

Wade grinned. “Hi Petey, fancy meeting you here!”

“What happened to Mrs. Menendez?” Peter asked in concern after his eighty-five-year-old former neighbor.

“She went back to Cuba to live with her daughter,” Wade explained, resting casually against the doorframe. “Heard this apartment was vacant so I snatched it up. We’re practically roomies!”

Peter sighed heavily. “Is this more of whatever the fuck you’ve been doing lately?”

Wade nodded. “Hey, it worked for Chandler and Monica, right?”

Peter smiled in spite of himself. “You’d have to be across the hall, not next door.”

“It would also mean about four seasons before we ever fucked and quite frankly I don’t think I could wait that long,” Wade shot back, stepping out into the hallway and eyeing Peter’s bags. “Besides, ain’t nobody giving me a show on Disney Plus. Although I think I’m cuter than Baby Yoda.”

“In your dreams, Wade.”

“Much less kid friendly, though,” Wade said, lifting his face back up and grinning at Peter. It had been a while since Peter had seen Wade without the mask on. Their last few encounters had all been out in public, which usually meant Wade hid behind the Deadpool mask. Peter had to admit it was nice seeing Wade’s face for a change. “You get anything good, Petey?”

Peter shifted the bags away from Wade and hid them behind his back. Wade took the opportunity to step in close and put his hands on Peter’s sides, slipping his fingers under Peter’s hoodie to touch his skin. “I’m not feeding you, Wade.”

“You can feed me that dick,” Wade joked.

Peter felt himself blushing uncontrollably. He was absolutely not being affected by the fact that Wade was currently touching him or that his little quip had Peter’s mind racing with images. “My ice cream is going to melt.”

“Then it’s just a milkshake.”

“I don’t want a milkshake.”

Wade gasped. “But then how will you bring all the boys to your yard?”

Peter rolled his eyes. “I don’t want to bring all the boys to my yard. Besides, I haven’t got a yard.”

“I could teach you, but I’d have to charge,” Wade said before giggling. Peter shook his head and took a step back.

“You really need to update those references, Wade,” Peter ribbed him lightly. He handed Wade some of his grocery bags so that Peter could get his keys out of his back pocket and unlock the door. He wasn’t terribly surprised when Wade followed him inside instead of handing the bags back.

“Don’t listen to him, he’s just jealous,” Wade said to himself as he put the bags on the counter. “I _know_ I’m jealous of the joker movie. Fucking took my number one spot. It’s some bullshit. I thought that emo crap went out of style. It’s not the same fucking thing though!”

“Uh, Wade?” Peter interrupted Wade’s internal conversation. He had put his own bags on the kitchen counter but Wade was still holding his. “Do you mind?”

“Oh right,” Wade said, putting his bags up next to Peter’s. “So what did you get?”

“None of your business,” Peter said, putting the ice cream into the freezer first before it melted. “It’s all for me and none of it is for you.”

Wade pouted. “That’s cold, baby. Real cold.”

Peter shrugged and continued to unpack the groceries. Wade found a packet of peanut butter Oreos and opened them. “Excuse you!” Peter said, snatching it away just as Wade grabbed about five of them.

Wade nearly crammed them all in his mouth at once as if he were afraid Peter was going to confiscate them as well. “Ha!” he said, spitting Oreo bits in Peter’s direction. Luckily Peter got out of the way in time.

“Attractive,” Peter said, leaning back against the counter and shaking his head.

Wade grinned at him, his smile black from the Oreos stuck to his teeth. “I know, right? I’m hot stuff.”

Peter couldn’t help laughing. “Did you want something, Wade? Or were you just visiting?”

“I want a lot of things,” Wade said, licking his lips to get any stray crumbs off them. “But I doubt I’m going to get them yet.”

“Well that’s vague,” Peter said, crossing his arms over his chest. “Would you settle for a frozen pizza and some Mario Kart?”

Wade considered it for a moment. “Throw in another handful of Oreos and you got yourself a deal!”

***

{This isn’t working}

(Don’t say that!)

{It’s taking FOREVER}

(It’s Spidey though! We gotta put in the work so then we can put dat ass to work)

{Why’s it always gotta be us with this unrequited love bullshit?}

(Because our face looks like it went through a lawnmower?)

_Ouch. Fuck you._

{Yellow’s not wrong.}

_And fuck you too._

{We’ve got to find a way to crank this up a notch}

(Oooh like with knives? Fire? Promises we don’t intend to keep?)

{Something better.}

***

Peter was fairly certain that Wade was breaking into his apartment. The Oreos were gone two days later even though Peter had only eaten a few of them. He also felt like his underwear drawer was a bit sparser than it had been before. Peter wasn’t sure he really wanted to know if Wade had been stealing his underwear.

If he’d had any doubts though, it was obvious when he woke up to find Wade’s name written on his arm in Sharpie. He wasn’t exactly sure why Wade had done that but he was pretty pissed off about it. Shoving on a hoodie, Peter went over to Wade’s and pounded on the door.

Wade opened up and smiled at him. “Hiya Petey-pie! What are you doing here?”

Peter rolled his eyes at Wade’s faux-cheeriness. “Care to explain this?” Peter asked, rolling up his sleeve.

Wade gasped, putting his hands on either side of his face dramatically. “When I woke up I had this,” he said, shoving his own arm with Peter’s name written on it in the same Sharpie. “Do you know what this means?”

“That you’re an idiot?”

“We must be soulmates!” Wade said, grabbing Peter and putting their arms together side by side.

“Soulmates,” Peter echoed, his tone flat. “Really Wade?”

“What other explanation can there be?” Wade asked, tracing his name on Peter’s skin. “It’s destiny!”

Peter rolled his eyes. “You broke into my apartment and wrote on my arm in Sharpie.”

“You can’t prove anything,” Wade said, dropping his arm.

“Stop breaking into my apartment, Wade,” Peter said with a heavy sigh. “If I catch you in there I will have no problem webbing you to the wall and leaving you there.”

“But Petey, you’re my destiny!” Wade cried out, reaching for Peter as he walked away back towards his own apartment.

“You’re ridiculous!” Peter called over his shoulder before disappearing back inside.

***

(Why won’t Spidey love us?)

{Cheese grater face, remember?}

(We’re hideous)

{I think we’re going to have to pull out the big guns}

(OOO what are the big guns?)

{Desperate times call for desperate measures!}

(We’re definitely desperate!)

***

Peter and Wade had just finished going out on patrol together, stopping a car thief and a guy getting his ass beat in an alley. It felt like a pretty productive evening even if it was subdued compared to what they normally dealt with. But then again that was why Peter was a friendly neighborhood Spider-man and not, say, the God of Thunder.

Wade had insisted they try this one specific Mexican restaurant that was almost literally a hole in the wall. The place looked like it was held together with tape and string. Peter didn’t have high hopes for the food but Wade was adamant that they go there. After a long day, Peter didn’t really have it in him to argue. Plus he was starving.

He was halfway through his third taco when he noticed Wade wasn’t eating. Peter cocked his head to the side and studied the Merc. “Something wrong?”

“Hmm?” Wade hummed, clearly distracted. “Oh, no everything is good.”

“You’re not eating,” Peter pointed out, gesturing to the plate of tacos in front of Wade that was completely untouched.

“Oh that,” Wade said, waving it off. “I’m not that hungry.”

“You said before that you were ravenous,” Peter said, raising an eyebrow at Wade before he remembered he had his mask on and Wade couldn’t see it. He hoped his tone conveyed his skepticism.

“I guess I’m just not in the mood for tacos.”

“What?” Peter asked incredulously. “Not in the mood for tacos? You? I think that’s against the law or something.”

“I eat other things besides tacos,” Wade said defensively. “Chalupas, tostadas, burritos.”

Peter snorted. “They have those here too, you know.”

“It’s fine, Spidey,” Wade said, resting his chin in his hands. With his other hand he pushed his plate towards Peter. “You eat up, you look like you could use it.”

Peter took another bite and chewed slowly. “Is this some kind of kink or something?” he asked, swallowing his food. “Watching me eat and making sure I’m fed?”

“No…” Wade said slowly as if unsure. He mulled it over for a moment. “At least I don’t think so.”

Peter shrugged and wolfed down the rest of his taco. “You’re so weird.”

“You have _no_ idea.”

***

(Should we feel bad about this?)

{Probably}

(Poor Spidey)

{He drove us to this point! He could have made it easier on himself by just loving us!}

(This is going to be unpleasant)

{We’ve seen worse.}

(Hope the reader isn’t squeamish)

***

Peter groaned in pain as his dinner made an unwelcome revisit later that night. He was sweating and his stomach churning as the tacos made their way back up. He spent the night puking his guts out until there was nothing left to come out of either end.

As he lay on the bathroom floor staring up at the ceiling, he swore that he would never let Wade pick where they ate ever again.

When he thought it was safe to leave the bathroom, Peter practically crawled his way back into bed, hiding under a mountain of blankets. He managed to grab his phone and called Aunt May. He was a little surprised when a male voice picked up the phone. “Hello?”

“Um, who the fuck is this?”

“Honestly Petey, what kind of phone etiquette is that?”

Peter sat up (with some difficulty) and scrubbed his hand down his face. “Wade, why does my Aunt’s phone number call you?” he asked, gritting his teeth in frustration. If he felt better he would have gone next door and kicked Wade’s ass twice, once for the food and again for whatever it was that was going on now.

“I, uh, may have made a few alterations to your contacts.”

Peter groaned and buried himself back under his cocoon of blankets. “Wade, I fucking hate you.”

“Aww, don’t say that, baby boy,” Wade cooed on the other end of the phone. “I knew you wouldn’t call me if I gave you my number so I made it that you _had_ to call me. Pretty smart, huh?”

“It’s not going to feel very smart when I shove your head up your ass,” Peter growled and then immediately whimpered, curling in on himself.

“I’d rather shove my head up your ass,” Wade shot back without missing a beat. “Everything okay, Petey?”

“No,” Peter said grimly. “That fucking place you took me to poisoned me. I’ve been reenacting that scene from Stand by Me with the pie eating contest.”

“Yikes, sorry baby,” Wade said softly. Peter could hear footsteps on Wade’ end of the line. It took him a moment to realize Wade was making his way over. In fact he didn’t realize it until his front door opened and he could hear Wade walking through his apartment. The line went dead just as Wade appeared in Peter’s doorway.

Peter poked his head out from under the covers. “You’re a dead man, Wilson.”

Wade rolled his eyes. “Do your worst,” he said nonchalantly, slipping his phone into the pocket of his sweats. He walked over and nudged Peter over until there was room enough for Wade to join him on the bed. Any objections died on Peter’s lips as Wade gathered Peter into his arms and held him. It felt surprisingly nice considering how muscular Wade was.

Peter buried his face in Wade’s neck and sighed happily. His eyes were already beginning to droop from the comfortable warmth Wade was emanating. Wade chuckled softly and rubbed Peter’s back soothingly. Peter tried to quip something back at Wade but he was too tired to have it come out as anything but a garbled mess.

Wade grinned. “Sleep now, Spidey. Do your worst later.”

Peter sighed and slipped his hand under Wade’s t-shirt, feeling the interesting texture of Wade’s skin – gnarled flesh knotted together. Wade stiffened slightly when Peter touched him but for once he didn’t say anything. It didn’t take long for him to drift off to sleep.

***

{Oh shit this is actually happening!}

(Spidey actually touched us! Skin on skin! Ooh la la!)

{This can’t actually be working, right?}

(Seems like it. Spidey didn’t kick us out of bed or anything!)

{He did look terrible though. Not up to his full Spidey strength. Probably because we poisoned him}

(It was just a bit of food poisoning. It’s not our fault that Mexican restaurant doesn’t wash their lettuce. Or their hands.)

{Spidey will kill us if he ever finds out.}

(What a way to go!) 

***

Peter woke up alone, which he had to admit was kind of disappointing. Sleeping on Wade had been comfortable and Peter realized it was the second time he had fallen asleep on Wade. Maybe there was just something about Deadpool that made Peter want to take naps. Perhaps it was his lackadaisical attitude towards basically everything.

Still, Peter had been hoping for….well he wasn’t sure what he was hoping for. He’d at least expected Wade to be there for him. He had no idea why Wade had bolted.

Despite his better judgment, Peter decided to go next door. Maybe he had just gotten used to the Merc being around all the time. He had to admit that having Wade over the night before had been nice. It had been a long time since Peter had had anyone in his bed. His personal relationships always seemed to end in disaster.

He knocked on Wade’s door and stood in the hallway waiting for an answer. He wasn’t even sure if Wade was home but he figured it couldn’t hurt to try. Even though they had lived next door to each other for two weeks, Peter hadn’t seen inside Wade’s apartment, although Wade had been inside Peter’s apartment plenty of times.

Peter was just about to find his own way in when the door opened and a big burly man with gray hair opened up. Peter felt his jaw drop for a moment and then he closed it quickly. “I’m looking for Wade?”

“He’s around here somewhere,” the guy said, stepping back and allowing Peter to enter. “Come on in, Spider-man.”

Peter stiffened in surprise. The guy turned around and gave him an apologetic look. “We know each other very well.”

“Uh…” Peter rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. “I don’t think we’ve met.”

“No, not yet,” the guy said with a knowing smile. “Name’s Cable.”

“Are you visiting Wade?” Peter asked, shutting the door. He felt super awkward but he had no idea why. Maybe it was because this guy had just implied he was from the future. Peter didn’t really want to unpack it too much because he was worried about what repressed feelings he might uncover.

“For a bit,” Cable said, sitting down on the couch. He looked completely out of place there, all bulky muscle and hard lines on Wade’s squishy brown leather sofa. “I’m just in town for a few days.”

“Oh that’s too bad,” Peter said, feeling the tension in his chest ease when he heard Cable would only be there for a short time.

“Naaathaaan,” Wade singsonged, skipping into the room. He stopped when he saw Peter there. “Oh hiya Peter – Peter Pumpkin eater. You can call me pumpkin.”

Peter grinned in spite of himself. “Hi.” He remembered that he had spent the night before sleeping on top of Wade, cuddling him like he was a teddy bear. He felt his cheeks heat up with a blush.

“What can I do you for?” Wade asked, looking between Peter and Cable.

“Um…” Peter scrambled to think of something to say. “Sorry. I should go. Thanks for taking care of me last night. It was…nice.”

“Petey?” Wade said, cocking his head to the side in confusion.

Peter swallowed hard and then turned on his heel and fled back to his own apartment. He shut the door and leaned against it heavily. He was surprised when the door opened, making him stumble forward. He turned to find Wade peering around the wood to look at him.

“Hello again,” Peter said as evenly as he could. He didn’t know why Wade had followed him.

“You okay, Petey?” Wade asked, slipping inside and shutting the door.

“I’m fine,” Peter said defensively, crossing his arms over his chest. He had no idea why he was so offended that Wade had slipped out of bed sometime while Peter was sleeping. It felt a little like rejection. “I’m fine.”

“Yes, saying something twice often makes it true,” Wade teased, taking a step towards Peter.

Peter took a step back. “What do you want from me, Wade?”

“Everything, Petey,” Wade said with a sigh. “Don’t you know that by now?”

Peter worked his jaw for a moment, trying to tamper down the hurt he felt. “Then why did you leave?”

“Boners,” Wade said with a shrug. “Didn’t think you’d appreciate me jerking it while I held you but, you know, hard not to when I’ve got a hot Spider-babe all up close and personal. Went to go take care of it and that’s when Nathan decided to blink into existence.”

“Oh,” Peter said softly. “Did he… um, help you take care of it?”

“Why baby boy,” Wade purred, sliding in closer to Peter. “You almost sound jealous.”

Peter swallowed hard against the lump in his throat. “Dream on, Wade.”

Wade pressed in closer still. “I think you are,” he said, sliding his hand up and cupping Peter’s face gently.

Peter couldn’t meet Wade’s gaze, his cheeks blazing with embarrassment. “I’m admitting nothing,” Peter said stubbornly.

“If I had stayed,” Wade said softly, pressing his forehead against Peter’s. “And we had woken up together all cozy, classic sharing a bed shit, boners and all, what would you have done?”

Peter had no choice but to look at Wade with him being so close. Wade had nice eyes, Peter had never noticed before but they were nice, a dark choclately brown. His breath hitched a little and he fisted his hands in Wade’s hoodie. “If you wanted to know that so badly you shouldn’t have fucking left.”

“Don’t change the subject,” Wade growled, his eyes narrowing slightly. “Do you want me or not, baby? It’s a simple question with a simple answer. I can’t keep chasing you forever. Oh, who am I kidding, I would chase you until my useless heart gives up and dies. But if this isn’t what you want, Petey, you gotta tell me or I won’t stop. I’ll be like the Terminator just dogging your every move, relentless, except with love instead of killing. A love Terminator.”

“Does that make me Sarah Connor?” Peter asked, his lips quirking up into a smile.

“You’re changing the subject again,” Wade said with a groan.

“You changed it first!” Peter insisted, laughing quietly. “I…I don’t know, Wade.”

Wade huffed out a breath and Peter suddenly realized they were still standing extremely close to each other. “Baby, I’m running out of classic fic scenarios. If you don’t love me yet I’m going to have to start getting desperate. Open a bakery or some shit.”

Peter’s eyes widened as some things Wade had said finally clicked into place. “Oh my god,” he said, taking a step back. “You’ve been…oh my god of course! The coffeeshop, the sharing a bed, the soul marks. You’ve been doing fanfiction tropes to try and woo me?”

Wade stared at Peter incredulously. “How do you know about all that?”

Peter shuffled his feet. “I may have read some stuff about Captain America and the Winter Solider. It’s not important!”

Wade laughed. “Bet you’ve been writing some too.”

“Have not,” Peter said, pouting at Wade. “I know Cap in real life. It would be awkward to write about him…”

“Plowing the Winter Solider?” Wade filled in with a smirk.

“You think Bucky is the bottom?” Peter said, lifting an eyebrow.

Wade laughed. “So you’ve thought about it before, eh?”

Peter rolled his eyes. “Can we get back on the subject of you and me?”

“My favorite subject.”

“I do want you,” Peter said softly. “And I like spending time with you. I can see that you’re putting a lot of effort into this – “

“Maximum effort.”

“ – And I think that maybe I…Holy shit Wade did you poison me on purpose?” Peter asked, recalling their dinner together.

Wade looked around nervously like a rat in a trap. “Don’t blame me!” Wade said, trying and failing to look innocent. “It was all the author’s idea! We had to force some hurt/comfort somehow!”

“You are so dead!” Peter said, lunging at Wade. He caught Wade off balance and they both went tumbling to the floor. Peter grabbed Wade’s arms and pinned them above his head, effectively trapping him. “Fucking asshole.”

Wade whimpered and wriggled underneath Peter. “Don’t be mad at me, baby. I did it all in the name of love. I would do anything for love and you’re like the love of my fucking life so - ”

Peter ducked his head down and pressed his lips against Wade’s, finally finding a successful way to make the Merc shut the fuck up. Wade gasped softly against Peter’s lips and then started to kiss him back hungrily. He felt Wade go pliant underneath him and Peter kissed him fervently.

“You _so_ owe me,” Peter said, nipping roughly at Wade’s bottom lip.

Wade grinned. “I think I can live with that.”

“To answer your question…” Peter said slowly, sliding his hand down and cupping Wade through his sweatpants. “If you had stayed in bed this morning, I imagine it would have gone something like this.” Peter gave Wade’s dick a friendly squeeze and Wade bucked beneath him.

“Oh fuck –“ Wade moaned loudly, capturing Peter’s lips again. With one hand free, it was easy for Wade to break Peter’s hold on his other one. He brought his hands down and gripped Peter’s ass, urging Peter to rut against him. “Tell me how to make it up to you, Petey. I’ll do anything.”

Peter smiled and got to his feet, yanking Wade up with him. “Come on, back to bed with you.”

“Yes sir,” Wade said, giving Peter a salute and then marching into the bedroom. Peter laughed and followed after him. Once inside, Peter kicked the door shut and began to pull off his clothes. He divested down to his underwear and then got started on Wade’s clothes, unzipping his hoodie and sliding it down his broad shoulders.

“Sorry about the way I look, Petey,” Wade said, wincing slightly as Peter revealed more and more of his skin. “You should have seen me before Weapon X. I was a knockout.”

“You still are,” Peter said honestly because even with the scars Wade Wilson was pretty hot. All that muscle and that jawline and those eyes.

“Don’t lie, Petey,” Wade said softly. “The California Raisins look better than I do.”

“Seriously Wade, you really gotta update those references,” Peter teased, attaching his lips to Wade’s neck and sucking on his pulse point, letting his tongue glide over the ridges of Wade’s skin.

Wade moaned and tangled his fingers in Peter’s hair. “Fuck.”

“You know that yelling fuck during sex is basically the equivalent of yelling Parkour during free-running,” Peter teased, grabbing Wade’s sweats and shoving them down.

“I do that too,” Wade shot back, nipping at Peter’s earlobe.

Peter laughed. “You would.”

Wade stepped out of his pants and Peter took a moment to admire his body. He really wasn’t put off by the scars and there was enough about Wade to make Peter’s bisexual ass drool a bit. Maybe he had been reading too much about the Winter Solider because he definitely had a thing for scars.

Peter slid his hand into Wade’s underwear and wrapped his hand around Wade’s dick. Wade hissed in response and pressed into Peter’s hand. “So I believe last night there was some mention of me doing my worst?” Peter said with a teasing smile.

Wade mewled, his brown eyes having gone even darker with arousal. “Oh Petey, no!” he said, gripping onto Peter’s shoulders. “I’ll be good, I swear! Please baby, don’t tease me. I’ve been waiting years for this. Please!”

Peter shoved Wade back onto the bed and shucked off his underwear. He pulled Wade’s underwear down slowly, watching his cock spring free and rest against his stomach, flushed and full. Peter couldn’t help licking his lips when he saw it. He crawled between Wade’s legs and licked the underside of his cock from root to tip.

Wade groaned and lifted his hips up towards Peter’s mouth. “Oh shit, baby boy. Never thought I’d have anything like this.”

Peter winked up at him. “Just you wait.”

He grabbed a bottle of lube from the bedside table and placed it by Wade’s hips. As he swallowed Wade’s dick, he cracked it open and poured some onto his fingers. Hollowing his cheeks, he worked Wade in long pulls, making all manner of filthy things fall from Wade’s mouth. “Oh baby, fuck baby, you’re so good at that. Want my dick to live in your mouth. Fuck! Amazing Spider-man indeed. You’re gonna kill me. This is how I die.”

Peter couldn’t help but blush under the praise. He slipped a finger into Wade’s hole, feeling it stretch to accomondate his digit. He sucked and fingered Wade in tandem, pushing his finger in as his mouth went down and then retracting both at the same time. Wade had lost all functions of speech above him and was howling in pleasure, his dick twitching in Peter’s mouth and his thigh quivering. Peter got three fingers inside Wade, trying to keep away from Wade’s sweet spot to torture him.

“Oh Jesus tap dancing Christ, fuck me, Spidey. Please fuck me!” Wade begged, having seemingly found his voice again. His hand was fisted in Peter’s hair, not pushing just holding him.

Peter pulled off Wade’s dick with a wet pop and smiled. “Fine, I’ll fuck you,” Peter said, feigning a put-upon sign as he lubed up his cock. “But only because you asked so nicely.”

Peter shuffled up on the bed until his dick was pressed against Wade’s hole. As the fattest part of his dick pushed past the ring of muscles, Wade wrapped his legs around Peter and urged him forward. “Oh fuck yes, baby,” Wade moaned out, throwing his head back in pleasure. “Give it to me.”

If Peter had thought sleeping against Wade was warm, it was nothing compared to the heat at the center of him. Peter did an experimental little thrust into Wade’s body and hissed at the intense pleasure of Wade being sheathed around him, tight and warm and so fucking good. “Holy shit,” Peter said through gritted teeth, trying his best not to get off too quick. “You feel so fucking good.”

Wade pulled Peter down into a sloppy kiss. “Come on baby, I’m not gonna break. Let’s earn that E rating, huh?”

“I’d say we already have,” Peter shot back, setting a brutal pace, pounding into Wade. Wade grunted underneath him, sliding his hand down and jerking himself off.

“And I don’t mean E for Everyone like in video games,” Wade panted out, working the head of his dick.

“Obviously,” Peter gasped out, biting his bottom lip as he watched Wade play with himself. The visual was more erotic than he would have thought. _Keep it together, Parker,_ Peter begged himself, wanting to last a bit longer.

“Fuck baby, yes!” Wade shouted, his eyes going wide as ropes of cum shot out of his cock and landed on his neck and chest.

“Fuck!” Peter cried out as he quickly followed Wade over the edge.

“Parkour!” Wade yelled, immediately devolving into a fit of giggles. Peter was still in the aftershocks of his orgasm but he couldn’t help giggling as well. He dropped heavily onto Wade, sliding his dick out carefully, and arranging their bodies into a comfortable snuggling position. “Fucking hell, baby, that was fantastic.” Wade gently rubbed his hand up and down Peter’s back.

“Thank you,” Peter said, pressing a kiss to Wade’s chest. “You weren’t so bad yourself.”

“You in love with me yet, Spidey?”

Peter smiled, tracing a scar that went from Wade’s nipple down to his navel. “Yeah,” he said, flickering his eyes up to meet Wade’s. “I just might be.”

“Good, because I’m, uh, crazy about you,” Wade confessed, sliding his fingers into Peter’s hair again and petting it softly.

Peter snorted. “Yeah, I kind of got that from the context clues,” he joked, kissing Wade sweetly on the lips.

Wade laughed. “You’re so smart, Petey.”

“So what do we do now?” Peter asked, nuzzling Wade affectionately. “Go be sickeningly in love with each other in the shower?”

“Mmm,” Wade hummed, carding his fingers through Peter’s hair again. “I wouldn’t mind a little TLC from my favorite superhero.”

“Then you can have it as long as you ain’t no scrub,” Peter said, chuckling softly.

“And you think _my_ references need updating?” Wade asked, tickling Peter’s side. “Ok Boomer.”

Peter snorted. “I’m not a boomer.”

“First appearance of Spider-man was August 1962. You’re a fucking boomer.”

Peter laughed and shook his head. “Shut up, Wade.”

“It was called Amazing Fantasy, which I think is what we should call sex from now on.”

Peter jumped out of bed. “You can call it whatever you want,” he said heading for the door. “You don’t shut up and you’ll be doing a lot of Amazing Fantasy by yourself.”

“No baby wait! I take it back! You’re a young and virile stud!” Wade said, getting off the bed and tearing after Peter. He caught up to him in the hallway and pressed him against the wall, kissing him furiously.

“Ow, my back!” Peter said, wincing in pain.

“Did I hurt you, Spidey?” Wade asked, his eyes roving over Peter’s thin frame in concern.

“Nope,” Peter said, popping the P with a smug smirk. “Just messing with ya since I’m such an old man.”

Wade rolled his eyes. “Be nice to me, Spidey. I put a lot of work in to make this relationship happen. A little appreciation would be nice.”

Peter’s jaw went slack. “I just fucked your brains out, Wade, what more do you want?”

Wade kissed Peter hard, his lips demanding against Peter’s until his breath was stolen away. “I told you already, baby, I want everything.”

Peter smiled. “It’s yours then.”

***

(We did it!)

{DP For the Win!}

(Aww yeah I knew we were endgame!)

{Life is going to be some non-stop steamy Spidey action!}

(Lucky us!)

{I think this is the end of the fic though. Too bad. I could have used some more smut.}

(We didn’t get the shower scene! Shower scenes are awesome!)

_Will you two shut up so this thing can end already?_

(But then what will we do?)

{We could always go write on Peter in more Sharpie.}

(Ooh yeah! Maybe on his butt!)

_Way ahead of you._

“Wade, what are you doing with that Sharpie? No, get away from me!”

“Come here Petey! You’ll look so pretty!”

“The last time you wrote on my it didn’t come off for days! Wade I swear to God –“

(Get him!)

{Th-th-that’s all folks!}

(Shoutout to Spiderham!)

{Does that mean there’s a Deadham?}

(Where’s there is a Spidey there’s a Deadpool wanting to tap that ass)

“Just one little moustache, baby, you won’t even notice it!”

“Don’t even think about it Wade!”


End file.
